Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Talking Deadspeak to Leahy

look, i can catch my hand

So Sen. Patrick Leahy, the ranking Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee, has been quoted as saying that Alberto Gonzales is "nice," and that he's "no Attila the Hun." I know we've lowered our standards, guys, but didn't realize that as long as you don't rape & pillage you're OK. Sure, Mr. G was the legal architect behind Abu Ghraib, but he didn't tell Leahy to "go fuck himself" like Cheney so Pat's thinks he's got "good vibes" or something. (Check out Liquid List's post on Mr. Nice.)

How do you reason with a guy who says Gonzales is "nice"? Wait: He told us himself. When Jerry Garcia died, Leahy mentioned that he's been a lifelong Deadhead. (Was that him in the corner in '71, tripping on Sunshine and moving his hand up and down in the strobe light?) So, Pat, let me try some Deadspeak and see we can communicate. I've linked to this useful Grateful Dead lyric database to use phrases you'll remember from their songs. (Deadheads, I've footnoted each lyric in case you want to play Name That Tune.)

"Dear Mr. Fantasy" (1):

"Please don't dominate the rap, Jack, if you got nothing new to say." (2) "This town ain't got no heart" (3) and "treachery is tearing me limb from limb." (4) Unfortunately, "you've all been asleep and would not believe" (5) that you can't be a "friend of the devil" and still be a "friend of mine". (6) Remember, "in the thick of the evening when the dealing gets rough" (7) these guys will "steal you face right off your head." (8) "Some folks look for answers, some folks look for fights, " (9) so ”watch what you're doin' with your time." (10)

”What do you want me to do, to watch for you while you are sleeping?" (11) There's "trouble ahead, trouble behind" (12) and it's "later than I thought when I first believed you." (13) "What else do you lack to make it right" (14)? Sure, "it costs a lot to win," but it's "even more to lose" (15), and "if you make a mistake, you're going to pay for it twice." (16) "If all you got to live for is what you left behind (17)," then, Pat, history will ask of you: "Did he doubt or did he try?" (18) So, come on, brother. "Nobody's finished, we ain't even begun." (19)

See you at the snack bar during "Dark Star."


(1) Dear Mr. Fantasy (orig. by Traffic); (2) New Speedway Boogie; (3) Shakedown Street; (4) Althea; (5) Estimated Prophet: (6) Friend of the Devil; (7) Scarlet Begonias; (8) He's Gone; (9) Playing in the Band; (10) Cream Puff War; (11) Box of Rain; (12) Casey Jones; (13) Ship of Fools; (14) Cats Under the Stars; (15) Deal; (16) Chinatown Shuffle; (17) Mississippi Halfstep Uptown Toodeloo; (18) Saint Stephen; (19) The Golden Road (to Unlimited Devotion)