Sunday, December 12, 2004

Nixon Resigns, Citing "Nanny Problems"

somebody tell Mom, the babysitter's illegal

There may still be people out there credulous enough to believe that Bernard Kerik really withdrew his name because he had "nanny problems". (Well, not people, exactly - the media.) So many skeletons are emerging from Kerik's closet that it looks like a Day of the Dead parade. Nevertheless, when he first made the announcement it was taken at face value by the media. Wow - that was easy. What if more people had used this handy, easy-to-sell, hardly-guilty-seeming excuse?

President resigns: In a tearful farewell address to the nation, Richard M. Nixon insisted he was "not a crook" but suggested that impending questions about the immigration status of the family nanny would make governing as President impossible. The nanny was hired, not for the Nixon children, but as a playmate and babysitter for the family dog Checkers. Coincidentally, the President's resignation follows that of Vice President Spiro Agnew, who cited similar hiring problems.

King Abdicates: King Edward VIII abdicated in 1936, citing the immigration status of the Royal Family nanny who served as a chaperone on his dates with "that racy American woman." Denying that his love for twice-divorced Wallis Simpson was a factor in his decision, the King insisted that he had not followed proper legal procedure by seizing the nanny's native country as part of the British Empire before hiring her. Conveniently, he is now free to marry Ms. Simpson. King Edward's later friendship for the Nazi Ambassador Ribbentrop, and his favorable remarks about the British Union of Fascists, were also eventually blamed on "immigration problems."

Morihiro Hosokawa cites Immigration Problems: The Prime Minister of Japan resigned today, citing his use of American campaign advisors without proper immigration papers as the reason for stepping down. He denied that his misuse of political funds was a factor in his decision. "Corruption the voters can forgive," said Hosokawa. "That useless gaijin Bob Shrum, never."

Attorney General Quits: Attorney General Elliott Richardson submitted his resignation hours after being ordered by President Nixon to fire Watergate special prosecutor Archibald Cox. "Firing Cox is no big deal to me," said Richardson, "but I just found out I didn't file the right papers before we hired our au-pair." Richardson insisted there was no matter of principle involved. Deputy Attorney General William Ruckelshaus immediately discovered the same nanny problem and resigned the same day. Solicitor General Robert Bork then became Attorney General and carried out the order. "Thank God I'm gay," said Bork, "because if I'd had kids I'd have needed a nanny."

OK, Bork's not gay, so I shouldn't have said it. Don't blame me, blame my nanny. In the meantime, will somebody please check up on Rumsfeld? I'm hoping he has a nanny too.