Sunday, January 23, 2005

squarepants II: the republican sin machine

God's eye for the queer guy

The Spongebob Squarepants scandal is actually worse than I first thought. It turns out that Rev. Dobson began the flap by objecting to the fact that the sponsor of Spongebob's diversity cartoon has a statement on its website encouraging “respect” for others, whatever their sexual identity. That's right: "respect" is the offending word. Whatever happened to “hate the sin, love the sinner”? Meanwhile, a so-called “movie ministry” censures Spongebob for “cartoon rear male nudity, ” "pinching ... between nude (cartoon) buttocks," and “suggestions” of S&M and transvestitism. These witch-hunts aren’t politically motivated – perish the thought - so I’ve created the following visual guide to Republicans who must be also be banned. And for those who think enough has been written about Heinygate, I can only quote Spinal Tap: How can I leave this behind?

Sadly, the burning must start with my beloved ZZ Top. Although they performed at the RNC like good Republicans, they recorded a song called “Tush” and so must go. (And don't even ask what "Pearl Necklace" is about.) Country singers Brooks & Dunn? Nope – they sang “Boot Scootin’ Boogie," another buttocks-oriented conservative number. Now grab some popcorn and have a seat, because our Republican slide show is beginning. WARNING: Not work safe. The picture of a Republican governor’s genitals is enough to make a dead man blush, to paraphrase the late blues singer Lucille Bogan (whose works would not survive in a Dobson theocracy.)

First, let’s start with Rev. Dobson. I think these two books tell us all we need know about him:

A generation of British public school boys can attest to where this combination leads

Then there’s Arnold Schwarzenegger: Republican governor, groper, speaker at the Republican National Convention, male model. Promisekeeper Alert! Schwarzenegger also played a CIA agent in “True Lies” who lies to his wife for 20 years about his work, then pimps her out to the bad guys when he gets in a jam. I’m sure that Dobson and the Movie Ministry are preparing their statements of outrage as we speak.

the emerging Republican majority

We move next to Kid Rock, who played at the Bush twins’ party. Sure, he was eventually banned from the Inaugural, probably for his lyric about bangin’ Barbara Bush on Air Force One, but he’s still a popular Republican supporter. Not when Dobson and the Movie Ministry get a hold of him! His “Kid Rock Christmas” ad for MTV was played heavily on cable. That’s the one where he’s sitting on a toilet and emits a loud burst of flatulence. Here he is in the forest with some sculptures.

Kid prepares to destroy banned art works by Michelangelo

Say hello to Bo Derek: Republican supporter, former “10”, Playboy foldout.

i got yer "Red state" right here ...

Remember Ron Silver? His 15 minutes of fame are over, but this war hawk and RNC supporter played a pornographer in the TV series “Skin.” I’m sure his censure will be announced any day now. They'd tell people not to give him any decent parts, but ... wait! Maybe they already have ...

newflash! B-list celebrity supports Iraq war! but where does the guy who played the next-door neighbor on "The Jeffersons" stand?

Then there’s Dennis Miller, whose one leading film role was in “Bordello of Blood,” a soft-core porn movie about vampire prostitutes. In the big finale Dennis gets to burn many of them alive in their lingerie, some reduced to nothing but sexy legs in stockings and high heels. Surprisingly, Dennis has been embraced by Republicans and conservatives for his political views, but wait until Rev. Dobson gets a hold of him!

but, of course, I could be wrong ...

Say a big hello to Ken Starr, pornographer, who used taxpayer money to widely disseminate graphic depictions of sexual acts. I can't remember Rev. Dobson's howls of outrage, but he must have rebuked this guy something awful.

i promise to tell the juicy stuff, the whole juicy stuff, and nothing but ...

We end with a fella that needs no introduction, “Mr. Loofa.” First him, then Spongebob. This Republican tool is the first of what may prove to be a long line of sponges implicated in sexual scandals. And I'll bet that O'Reilly's gonna get a talking to!

knows the sex secrets of the porifera phylum ...

Rev. Dobson, these individuals are trembling in fear, knowing that your righteous wrath will fall upon them at any moment. A sin-saturated nation awaits your call. The Republican Sin Machine is about to feel your wrath!